I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
