You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
