last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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