he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
