the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
