I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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