well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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