remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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