i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
