Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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