apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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