Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
