Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
