What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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