If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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