Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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