The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
