Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
