3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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