I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I think I have vodka in my lungs
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
