We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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