When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
