oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
