Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
this will be a night to untag.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
