Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
