If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
NoShamevember. You game?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
