It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
