dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The best revenge is premature balding
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
