Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
