I think I died a long time ago.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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