i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
