the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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