i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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