i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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