Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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