I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
