no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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