I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
