I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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