saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
