it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
