I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
do herpes really smell.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
