Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
