Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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