Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
