I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When are your genitals available?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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