Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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