I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
NoShamevember. You game?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
