New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
