i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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