Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
