I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
