I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
