Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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