My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
